


Go Forth And Fuck Up Less, or, Romantic Advice That Will Get Us Culled If We Get Caught

by YamiTami



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Rebellion takes many forms, Relationship Advice, romance is complicated
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-10-02 02:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17256305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YamiTami/pseuds/YamiTami
Summary: A series of transcribed conversations about troll romance and troll romance adjacent topics. Part podcast, part Dear Delilah column.





	Go Forth And Fuck Up Less, or, Romantic Advice That Will Get Us Culled If We Get Caught

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This is part of a series titled: GO FORTH AND FUCK UP LESS, OR, ROMANTIC ADVICE THAT WILL GET US CULLED IF WE GET CAUGHT   
This entry is titled: IS MY MATESPRIT CHEATING ON ME WITH THEIR KISMESIS   
This entry features contributors: KNIGHTOFSPADES, PAGEOFPAILS   
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DRESEE: ---- ( ) okay its recording V   
KARKAT: BEFORE WE COMMENCE THIS TRAINWRECK I WOULD LIKE TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT MY CO-HOST'S CHOICE OF CODENAME INFURIATES ME TO SUCH A DEGREE I AM IN DANGER OF SPONTANEOUSLY INITIATING FUSION AND TURNING INTO A STAR OF SCREAMING RAGE, CONSUMING ALL OF ALTERNIA IN THE PROCESS.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) vantas (o) you say the sweetest things (o)   
KARKAT: [incoherent grumbling]   
KARKAT: PUTTING A LID ON THAT AND THEN WELDING IT SHUT FOR GOOD MEASURE, WELCOME TO THE SHITSHOW.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) otherwise known as (o) anon to anon confidential romantic advice for the modern age (=) working title (o)   
KARKAT: IF YOU GOT THIS FAR WITHOUT KNOWING WHAT'S GOING ON THEN HOW THE FUCK DID YOU BREAK THE, WHAT, TWENTY LAYERS OF ENCRYPTION AND FAILSAFES WE HAVE GOING HERE?   
KARKAT: WAIT, NO, I TAKE THAT BACK. HALF THE PEOPLE I PERSONALLY KNOW WHO ENCOURAGED THIS TERRIBLE IDEA COULDN'T FIND THEIR NOOK WITH BOTH HANDS AND A MAP, SO I'LL USE SMALL WORDS.   
KARKAT: THERE'S A LOT OF ROMANTIC ADVICE OUT THERE THAT DOESN'T TAKE TWENTY LAYERS OF ENCRYPTION TO GET TO. SOME WELL INTENTIONED, SOME FLAGRANTLY HARMFUL, AND ALMOST NONE OF IT NUANCED ENOUGH TO BE GENUINELY HELPFUL.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) thats where we come in (o)   
KARKAT: DISCLAIMER, RIGHT UP FRONT: NEITHER OF US IS CLAIMING TO BE ALL KNOWING EXPERTS IN THE FIELD OF ROMANCE.   
KARKAT: WE BOTH WENT THROUGH THAT PHASE WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER AND WERE TWO DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF SCREAMING WASTECHUTE FOR THE DURATION.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) as much as I want to disagree on principle (o)(=) he is absolutely right (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) its probably a good thing we didnt meet each other until we were eight (=)(o) and more or less past that (o)   
KARKAT: DEFINITELY.   
KARKAT: BASICALLY WE'RE GOING TO BE GIVING YOU THE ADVICE WE WISH SOMEONE GAVE US BACK THEN. NOT THAT WE WOULD HAVE LISTENED TO IT, AND MOST IF NOT ALL OF YOU READING ARE PROBABLY GOING TO DISMISS US OUT OF HAND, BUT MAYBE SOME OF IT WILL STICK IN THE DUSTY CORNERS OF YOUR THINKPANS.   
KARKAT: MAYBE IT'LL DO SOME GOOD.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) depressing realistic (o) and yet somehow hopeful (=)(o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) thats us (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) as for how this works (=) in theory (=) we will eventually be taking questions from listeners (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or uh (=)    
DRESEE: ---- ( ) readers (=)   
KARKAT: DON'T THINK ABOUT IT TOO HARD, YOU'LL STRAIN SOMETHING.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) fuck you very much also (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) weve also got suggestions from our friends in real life (=) such as the topic starting us off today (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and a vague list of concepts wed like to cover in the future (=)(=) if this goes anywhere (=)   
KARKAT: SPECIFICS TO COME WHEN WE FIGURE IT OUT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) yeah weve got the map (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) youve just got to give us a minute to find our nooks (8)   
KARKAT: EXACTLY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so how this works is were recording a conversation between friends V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we have some notes written down to make sure we cover everything we want to cover (o)(=) and weve talked about it a little beforehand (o) but this isnt scripted or anything (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) for security reasons that recording is then turned into a transcript (o) thanks to a delightful person (=) who is not going to be named (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) even if we distort the audio file there is software that can reverse it (=)(=) or otherwise identify us as us (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or so I am told (o)   
KARKAT: YOU ARE USELESS IN EVERY WAY THAT MATTERS.   
KARKAT: BASICALLY A TEXT FILE IS SAFER BECAUSE IT'S A SMALLER FILE THAN AUDIO, OR WORSE, VIDEO.   
KARKAT: FIRST OF ALL THE SMALLER THE FILE THE LESS LIKELY IT IS TO TRIP THE BYTEMAGGOTS TRAWLING THE INTERNET.   
KARKAT: EVEN WITH THE MIGHT OF THE EMPIRE BEHIND THEM THERE'S TOO MUCH DATA TO SEARCH EVERY SINGLE LINE FOR QUESTIONABLE IDEAS, AND LARGER FILES GET FLAGGED AS SUSPICIOUS FIRST.   
KARKAT: THIS IS ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT FOR THIS BECAUSE THE ENCRYPTION FORMAT WE'RE USING MAKES THE FILES BIGGER BY ADDING GARBAGE CHARACTERS WHICH ARE THEN DELETED BY DECRYPTION AND APPLYING QUIRK FILTERS, WHICH WOULD BE A PROBLEM IF WE WERE QUADRUPLING THE SIZE OF A MUCH BIGGER FILE BUT EVEN A QUADRUPLED TEXT FILE ISN'T THAT BIG.   
KARKAT: ANOTHER BENEFIT OF GOING TEXT IS THAT SINCE THE FILES REMAIN RELATIVELY SMALL THEY CAN BE STORED ON NONBIOLOGIC STORAGE MEDIUMS.   
KARKAT: WHEN IT COMES TO THINGS THAT HAVE TO BE HUGE FILES, LIKE GAMES OR A SHIT TON OF MOVIES, BIOLOGIC STORAGE MEDIUMS ARE THE WAY TO GO SINCE THEY BOAST FAR HIGHER STORAGE CAPABILITIES PER UNIT OF VOLUME THAN NONBIOLOGIC FORMS.   
KARKAT: BUT DATAGRUBS REQUIRE FEEDING SOLUTION WHICH LEAVES CHEMICAL TRACES, THEY CANNOT TOLERATE THE KIND OF TEMPERATURES THAT NON-BIOLOGICS CAN, TRAVELLING WITH THEM REQUIRES BULKY SHOCK CASES OR ELSE YOU'RE GOING TO END UP WITH AN APPAREL SACK FULL OF GRUBSAUCE, AND ALL OF THIS MAKES IT PRETTY EASY TO FIND OR DISABLE ILLEGAL DATAGRUBS.   
KARKAT: SCANNERS THAT CAN PICK UP THE STUFF THAT DATAGRUBS ARE MADE OF AREN'T EVEN ALL THAT UNCOMMON, BUT A FLAT MIRRORED DATACIRCLE CAN BE EASILY HIDDEN AND IT WON'T DIE IF IT'S SHOVED IN AN ARTIFICIAL WIND TUBE FOR A WIPE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its so hot (o) when you talk tech (=)(o)   
KARKAT: PUT YOUR SULTRY TONES BACK WHERE YOU GOT THEM FROM OR I'LL STOP YOUR NON-ARTIFICIAL WIND TUBE WITH A DATACIRCLE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) promises (o) promises (o)   
KARKAT: [disgusted growling]   
KARKAT: EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY I WILL BE IGNORING ALL COMMENTS THAT ARE NOT HELPFUL, WHICH MEANS THAT I SUDDENLY CAN'T HEAR A SINGLE WORD MY CO-HOST IS SAYING. HUH! HOW WEIRD!   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [muffled snickering]   
KARKAT: AS I WAS SAYING...   
KARKAT: AS AN ADDED LAYER OF PROTECTION WE HAVE THE QUIRK FILTERS IN EFFECT.   
KARKAT: IF YOU'RE NEW TO QUIRK FILTERS IT TAKES A RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME TO SET ONE UP PROPERLY AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANY APPLIED TO THIS TRANSCRIPT THEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE GETTING A TON OF GARBAGE LETTERS WHICH PROBABLY MAKES THIS NEXT TO UNREADABLE.   
KARKAT: LIKE A COUPLE DOZEN TROLLS' QUIRKS GOT TOGETHER IN A DEPRAVED ORGY AND THIS IS WHAT ENDED UP IN THE SLURRY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) sounds like a good time if a little linguistic (o)   
KARKAT: I WAS ABOUT TO TELL YOU TO DO US A FAVOR AND CHOKE ON YOUR WORD WAGGLER BUT REALLY THAT WAS MY OWN FAULT FOR SETTING YOU UP SO BEAUTIFULLY.   
KARKAT: SO. CARRY ON, I GUESS?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its okay (=) im done (=)   
KARKAT: THANK YOU.   
KARKAT: IF YOU KNOW WHO WE ARE YOU CAN APPLY FILTERS THAT MAKE THE TEXT LOOK LIKE IT'S SUPPOSED TO, AND BY THAT I MEAN ASK THE TROLL DOING THE TRANSCRIBING.   
KARKAT: IT'S NOT ENOUGH TO KNOW OUR QUIRKS, YOU HAVE TO KNOW WHAT PARTS OF IT ARE BEING CHOPPED UP AND TURNED INSIDE OUT IN THE RAW TEXT. IT'S NOT LIKE A GENERIC SCRUBBER AND RE-DYER THAT CONVERTS QUIRKED TEXT INTO PLAIN TEXT AND THEN PLAIN TO QUIRKED.   
KARKAT: THE TROLL DOING THE FILES FOR THIS THING ISN'T JUST WRITING DOWN WHAT WE'RE SAYING AND BEING AWARE OF WHAT OUR QUIRKS ARE. EVEN DECRYPTED YOU CAN'T READ SHIT.   
KARKAT: SOME THINGS ARE FAIRLY COMMON SENSE LIKE ANY NAMES WE USE ARE GOING TO BE ASSIGNED SOMETHING LIKE "NAME1" IN THE TRANSCRIPT TO BE TRANSLATED BACK INTO SOMETHING APPROPRIATE WHEN THE FILTER IS APPLIED.   
KARKAT: BUT SOME WORDS ARE ARBITRARILY ASSIGNED JUNK STRINGS. THE DECRYPTED TRANSCRIPT MIGHT SAY SOMETHING LIKE, I DON’T KNOW, "J-D-K-H-1-2 U-I-I-I-0-8" INSTEAD OF “QUIRK FILTER”, FOR EXAMPLE.   
KARKAT: NO CODE IS TRULY UNBREAKABLE, BUT I WASN'T JOKING WHEN I SAID THERE'S ABOUT TWENTY LAYERS OF IT ON THIS THING. WE'RE AS CLOSE AS YOU CAN GET.   
KARKAT: IF YOU DON'T KNOW US PERSONALLY, WHICH IS WHAT IT'LL TAKE TO GET THE ACCURATE QUIRK FILTERS SO IF YOU DON’T THEN DON’T EVEN ASK, THERE ARE SEVERAL BUILT IN FILLER FILTERS WHICH MAKE THINGS VARYING SHADES OF GRAY WITH CLEAN SPELLING AND PUNCTUATION SO THAT THINGS ARE READABLE.   
KARKAT: YOU STILL HAVE TO USE ONE THAT MATCHES THE PARTICULAR CODE USED HERE, SO USING THE RIGHT KEY FOR THE RIGHT LOCK IS STILL IN AFFECT.   
KARKAT: OR YOU CAN, I DON'T KNOW, SET UP FILTERS TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE YOUR FAVORITE ACTOR IS TALKING TO YOU.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) just do us a favor (=) dont make it weird (=)   
KARKAT: IT'S ALREADY WEIRD.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) true (=)(=) dont make it weirder than it has to be (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) one last note (=) while our lovely transcriber is writing this down after the fact (=) she isnt going to be doing much editing (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if we end up going on a tangent about something completely unrelated (=)(=) like the best fruit or something like that (=) then shell delete that section and itll be noted what happened (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) delightful transcriber of things could you please put an example here (=)   
[they talked about fruit for ten minutes then got back on topic]   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) thank you in advance (=)   
KARKAT: SHE WILL ALSO EDIT OUT ANY MENTIONS WE MAKE TO THINGS THAT COULD TRACE BACK TO US IN THE SAME WAY THAT OUR NAMES ARE LISTED AS KNIGHT AND PAGE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A NAME FILTER APPLIED.   
KARKAT: AND WE WILL TRY TO LIMIT THAT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE TO MAKE HER JOB EASIER.   
KARKAT: BUT BACK AND FORTH DISCUSSION WE WANT TO LEAVE IN. AS WE MENTIONED BEFORE WE FEEL THAT MOST OF THE ADVICE FREELY AVAILABLE IS TOO SANITIZED AND STREAMLINED TO BE OF ANY REAL USE.   
KARKAT: WE DON'T WANT TO PRESENT ONLY ONE TYPE OF ADVICE, OR MAKE IT SEEM LIKE REAL PEOPLE DON'T HAVE COMPLEX OPINIONS, WHICH IS WHY THERE'S TWO OF US HERE WITH THE POSSIBILITY OF GUESTS IN THE FUTURE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) exactly (8)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we dont want to make it sound like theres only one answer V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) life is messy (o) and complicated (o) and we dont want to pretend otherwise (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) anything else (o)(=) before we tear into the meat of this thing (o)   
KARKAT: I THINK WE COVERED ALL THE TECHNICAL STUFF.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) okay then (o) the concept were talking about here is something weve both seen talked about a lot (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) both in terms of the usual places you find romantic advice (=)(=) and just the people we know personally (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so we figured it would be a good place to start (o)   
KARKAT: AS A NOTE, WE'RE GOING TO BE USING "IS MY MATESPRIT CHEATING ON ME WITH THEIR KISMESIS" EXAMPLES FOR THE DURATION, BUT THIS ISSUE CAN APPLY TO ANY COMBINATION OF QUADRANTS.   
KARKAT: THOUGH IT DOES TEND TO BE MORE COMMON WITH ADJACENT QUADRANTS, SUCH AS FLUSH-PITCH OR FLUSH-PALE, I'VE PERSONALLY SEEN IT HAPPEN WITH PITCH-PALE AT LEAST TWICE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) right (o) were just going with the one set (o)(=) so we arent here until the heat death of the universe (o)   
KARKAT: SO TO MAKE IT CLEAR THE CONCEPT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IS THAT YOU AND YOUR MATESPRIT HAVE BEEN DATING FOR LONG ENOUGH FOR YOU TO BE AN ESTABLISHED THING, AT WHICH POINT THEY GET THEMSELVES A KISMESIS. HOWEVER, YOU'RE WORRIED THAT YOUR MATESPRIT AND THEIR NEW PARTNER ARE ACTUALLY WAXING RED.   
KARKAT: OBVIOUSLY THIS DOES HAPPEN SOMETIMES AND THE THEORETICAL PETITIONER FOR ROMANTIC ADVICE COULD BE CORRECT IN THEIR SUSPICIONS, BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THAT WE WANTED TO COVER A FEW WAYS THE THEORETICAL PETITIONER MIGHT BE MISTAKEN.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) in terms of regular romance columns and shows annoying us (o) a depressingly large chunk make it out like any suspicion you feel (=) is automatically absolutely true and justified (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) because apparently suspecting something (=) means there must be something going on and otherwise you wouldnt be worried about it (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) which is just (=)(=) infuriatingly (=)(=) untrue (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) sometimes yes (=) you feel things in your abdominal sausages (=) because your subconscious mind is picking up on cues (=) your conscious mind hasnt caught up with yet (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) sometimes your thinkpan is jumping at slants of non-lethal light on the wall (=)   
KARKAT: IF ANYONE IS UNAWARE, THAT IS HOW OUR THINKPANS WORK WHEN IT COMES TO INSTINCT.   
KARKAT: IT'S WHY SEEING AN INTOXICATED TROLL STUMBLING HOME THROUGH THE PRE-MORNING MIST OF THE COOLER SEASONS MIGHT SEND YOUR BLOOD PUSHER RACING.   
KARKAT: BETTER TO FREAK OUT OVER NOTHING THAN NOT NOTICE WHEN A SHADOW DROPPER DECIDES TO BE AN EARLY RISER.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) exactly (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but our thinkpans arent great at differentiating between life or death (=)(=) like the drunk or dropper senario karkat just outlined (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or less lethal forms of potential damage like getting your heart broken (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and just as someone who has danced with a dropper in the past is more likely to go into high alert at things that arent droppers (8)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if youve experienced that kind of heartbreak in the past V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) youre more likely (=) to misinterpret other things as potential proof (=) that its going to happen again (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) ive never experienced that in my own relationships (=)(o) but it happened to someone (=) very (=) dear to me (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) after helping her through it (=) I saw signs of cheating anywhere I looked (o) and most of the time I was dead wrong (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and the times I was right (=) wasnt so much about being good at spotting the signs (o) so much as a case of unloading a projectile weapon in a wild random spray (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(=) youre going to hit (o) something (o) doing that (=) but its not because youve got any kind of accurate aim (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and in the process youre going to do a lot of damage (=) to people who dont deserve it (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so if youve got that kind of past history (=) making you see everything in the wrong light (o) youve got to find ways to ignore it (=)   
KARKAT: WELL. OKAY. IT IS DEFINITELY TRUE THAT YOU'LL GET FALSE POSITIVES AS A RESULT OF YOUR INSTINCTS TRYING TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING HURT AGAIN.   
KARKAT: BUT, IF I CAN ASK WITHOUT SETTING OFF A BOMB AND IF I CAN'T THEN IT CAN GET CHOPPED OUT OF THE FINAL TRANSCRIPT, DID SEEING CHEATING EVERYWHERE COST YOU A RELATIONSHIP?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) well (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) yeah (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it did (o)   
KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE THAT MIGHT BE MAKING YOU GO TOO FAR IN THE OTHER DIRECTION.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [starts to speak and then stops, repeat several times]   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i see what youre getting at (o) and you are not necessarily wrong (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and i did not realize this might be a thing im doing until (o) literally (o) right now (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so why dont you debrief (o) while I chew on this realization for a minute (o)   
KARKAT: SURE THING.   
KARKAT: I THINK WE SHOULD PROBABLY DO A SESSION ON DEALING WITH THE AFTERMATH OF CHEATING, BOTH THE INTENTIONAL AND UNINTENTIONAL KIND, BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT THERE TO UNPACK.   
KARKAT: OR MAYBE LUMP THAT IN WITH ALL THE NON-PHYSICAL SCARS A TROLL CAN PICK UP AND HOW IT CAN AFFECT A RELATIONSHIP.   
KARKAT: THEN ANOTHER SESSION FOR PHYSICAL SCARS GETTING IN THE WAY OF THINGS...   
KARKAT: ASSUMING PEOPLE DON'T JUST WANT US TO SHUT THE FUCK UP IN WHICH CASE WE WON'T BE RISKING OUR CHUG COLUMNS LIKE THE SPECTACULAR IDIOTS WE ARE...   
KARKAT: ... UH, BUT BACK TO TONIGHT'S TOPIC...   
KARKAT: THERE'S NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH BEING WARY ABOUT A PARTNER HURTING YOU LIKE THIS. THERE'S NOTHING INHERENTLY WRONG WITH BEING REASONABLY TRUSTING AND BELIEVING THEY WON'T HURT YOU.   
KARKAT: BUT TWO MUCH OF EITHER ONE IS NOT HEALTHY.   
KARKAT: BEING SLOW TO TRUST, PARTICULARLY IF YOU'VE BEEN HURT BEFORE, IS ONE THING. NEVER TRUSTING ANYONE YOU DATE *EVER* NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN TOGETHER IS ANOTHER.   
KARKAT: ON THE FLIP SIDE OF THAT COIN, BEING TOO TRUSTING AND REFUSING TO SEE THE SIGNS OF THE SUN FOR WHAT THEY ARE CAN LEAD TO YOU BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF.   
KARKAT: YOU NEED THAT BALANCE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) for example utilizing caution(o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) instead of all consuming paranoia like I was mired in a couple sweeps ago (8)   
KARKAT: YES.   
KARKAT: DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP ABOUT IT. FOR ONE THING, IT HAPPENS.   
KARKAT: FOR ANOTHER THING WHILE YOU WERE BUSY BEING ONE KIND OF STUPID I MANAGED TO HAVE A STRUT POD ON BOTH ENDS OF THE SCALE SIMULTANEOUSLY.   
KARKAT: NOT TRUSTING ANYONE, AND THEN WHEN SOMEONE DID MANAGE TO WRIGGLE CLOSE WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING I DOVE INTO THE RELATIONSHIP--OR EVEN JUST THE POSSIBILITY OF ONE--WITH NIGHT FEVERISH CLINGY ABANDON.   
KARKAT: THOUGH I HAVE BEEN TOLD I HAVE THE GIFT OF GAB I COULD NEVER DESCRIBE HOW ABSURDLY LUCKY I WAS THAT THE TROLLS I DIRECTED THAT HIGH PRESSURE STREAM OF UNHEALTHY AFFECTION TOWARDS WEREN'T THE TYPE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A SITUATION LIKE THAT.   
KARKAT: THEY WERE ALL EXCELLENT TROLLS IN THEIR OWN RIGHTS BUT NONE OF THEM WERE ACTUALLY ROMANTICALLY COMPATIBLE WITH ME, BUT I TRIED SO HARD TO BE WHATEVER IT WOULD TAKE TO GET THEM TO STAY BECAUSE I WAS CONVINCED NO ONE ELSE WOULD EVER SPARE ME A SECOND GLANCE IF I LET THEM SLIP OUT OF MY GRASP.   
KARKAT: IT WASN'T GOOD FOR ANY OF US.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we were going to hold off on putting the empire on blast directly until this took off V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but you know what (o) why wait (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) this is romantic advice that will get us culled if we get caught (o)(=) and im proud of that fact damn it (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) dont get me wrong (o) a lot of my past hoofbeastmanure (=) was being a dumbass wiggler (=) making dumbass wiggler mistakes (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) which is an often painful (o) but necessary (=) part of growing up (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) but the concept of troll serendipity (o) played a major factor in making my hoofbeastmanure (=) so much worse (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and from the sound of things (o) it played into your troubles too (o)   
KARKAT: IT DEFINITELY DID.   
KARKAT: I THOUGHT THAT IF THERE WAS ATTRACTION AT ALL THAT IT WAS MEANT TO BE.   
KARKAT: FUCKING WRITTEN IN THE STARS!   
KARKAT: AND THAT IF THE RELATIONSHIP FAILED TO BE WHAT I WANTED IT TO BE IT MUST MEAN THAT MY QUADRANTS WEREN'T FATED BECAUSE I WAS DESTINED TO BE ALONE ON ACCOUNT OF MY HORRIFIC FLAWS.   
KARKAT: SO INSTEAD OF LETTING A ROMANCE WITH SOMEONE I WAS INCOMPATIBLE WITH DIE A NATURAL DEATH I KEPT IT SHAMBLING ON LIKE A DAYTIME TERROR.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) on my end I thought that if it was supposed to happen (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) what did you just say (=) written in the stars (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) that I wouldn't feel wrong about them (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if I trusted them without trying (=) then it must mean we were meant to be (=) if I didn't (=) then they must not be the right troll for me (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) no ones quadrants are fated (=) with only one possibility for each one (=) or well (=) two for ashen (=)   
KARKAT: YOU'RE LEAVING OUT THE IMPORTANT PART.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) which is (=)   
KARKAT: THANK WHATEVER UNCARING DEITY CREATED THIS MISERABLE FUCKING EXISTENCE THAT NO ONE IS FATED FOR EACH OTHER.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) youre right (=) that is a very important part (=)   
KARKAT: THAT WOULD BE THE APPROPRIATE REACTION EVEN IF OUR SPECIES WASN'T SO FOND OF FINDING EVERY WAY A TROLL CAN DIE, FROM THE BLAND TO THE DISTURBINGLY CREATIVE.   
KARKAT: I'VE SEEN SO MANY FUCKING TROLLS FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR BEING HAPPY WITH SOMEONE NEW FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE HAPPY IN THE SAME QUADRANT WITH SOMEONE WHO DIED, SOMETIMES *SWEEPS* AGO.   
KARKAT: WE'RE TOLD OVER AND OVER THAT WE ONLY GET ONE SHOT AT TRUE HAPPINESS AND IF THINGS BREAK DOWN IT MEANS THAT THEY WEREN'T "THE ONE".   
KARKAT: LET IT BE NOTED I'M MAKING ENCLOSURE TALONS WHEN I SAY "THE ONE" AND I'M POURING AS MUCH DISDAIN INTO THOSE TWO UNASSUMING LITTLE WORDS THEY'RE AT RISK OF ROTTING OUT OF EXISTENCE.   
KARKAT: NOT JUST OUT OF THIS SENTENCE, BUT NEGATED FROM HAVING EVER BE CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE. SUCH IS MY IRE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) no karkat not the word the I need that (=)   
KARKAT: YOU'LL FIND ANOTHER WORD AND YOU'LL BE JUST AS HAPPY WITH THEM.   
KARKAT: BUT ONLY IF YOU FUCKING WORK AT IT.   
KARKAT: FOR THE DENSE CRANIAL PLATED OUT THERE, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT WORDS. I'M TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) okay weve gone on a significant tangent but were looping back around with that point (8)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) aside from encouraging people to stay in bad relationships V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) both bad due to incompatibility (o) or due to outright abuse (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i genuinely feel that the idea (o) that if youre meant to be with someone things will just magically work out (=)(=) is at the core of so many cases of trolls taking their relationships and their partners for granted (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) because they think well I love them (o) so its meant to be (=) so I dont have to actually put any real effort into making it work (o)   
KARKAT: OR THEY FEEL LIKE ANY HINT OF STRIFE IS A SIGN ITS ALREADY DOOMED TO FAILURE.   
KARKAT: WHICH IS PARTICULARLY RELEVANT HERE.   
KARKAT: I FEEL LIKE A LOT OF TIMES WHEN SOMEONE FEELS LIKE THEIR PARTNER IS CHEATING ON THEM WITH SOMEONE FILLING ANOTHER QUADRANT, IT'S A MANIFESTATION OF THE TROLL FEELING LIKE THEY'RE NOT AS IMPORTANT TO THEIR PARTNER ANYMORE.   
KARKAT: THIS CAN MAKE ANY HINT OF PROBLEM SEEM WAY WORSE THAN IT IS, AND LEAD PEOPLE TO MAKING RASH DECISIONS LIKE AMPUTATING THE RELATIONSHIP PREMATURELY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) the opposite too (o) where they dig in like a marrowmite (=) and refuse to budge (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) because acknowledging that things arent doing so well (=) means admitting that the relationship isnt easy (=) which means theyre not supposed to be together (o) and they dont want to admit that (o)   
KARKAT: THE POWERS THAT BE TOLD US IT WAS DELICIOUS CANDY BUT REALLY IT'S A STEAMING PILE OF LEAVINGS THAT EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US HAS BEEN FORCE FED OUR WHOLE LIVES.   
KARKAT: THE FUN PART IS THAT EVEN IF YOU FIGURE IT OUT AND STOP EATING THE TASTE STILL LINGERS. I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW IF I'LL EVER BREAK THE HABIT OF VIEWING THINGS THROUGH THAT LENS, BUT THE COUNTER-HABIT GETS EASIER AND EASIER.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it really is like dealing with a four wheeled shopping crate (o) that wants to veer off to the right (=) instead of going straight (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) no amount of repair is going to make those wheels go the right way on their own but if you keep pressure on the left then it evens out (o)   
KARKAT: AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE DOING THIS.   
KARKAT: SHARING THE WAYS WE'VE LEARNED TO KEEP TURNING AGAINST THE BAD DIRECTION.   
KARKAT: IT DEFINITELY WAS A TANGENT WE JUST CAREENED THROUGH BUT I THINK WE NEED TO LEAVE ALL THAT IN THE FINAL CUT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) agreed (=)   
KARKAT: BACK TO WHERE WE LEFT OFF ON OUR... VERY FIRST FUCKING THING ON THE LIST.   
KARKAT: GOOD TANGENT OR NOT WE NEED TO LEARN TO STAY ON TRACK OR WE DEFINITELY WILL NOT GET DONE BEFORE, WHAT DID YOU SAY?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) the heat death of the universe (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) well work on it (=)   
KARKAT: OKAY, SO THE POINT IS THAT IF YOU'RE WORRIED THAT YOUR MATESPIRT IS CHEATING ON YOU WITH THEIR KISMESIS, OR WHATEVER QUADRANT CONFIGURATION YOU'RE DEALING WITH, IT'S VERY POSSIBLE THAT YOU'RE MISTAKEN ABOUT WHAT'S GOING ON.   
KARKAT: AND IF YOU ARE MISTAKEN IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT THINGS ARE AUTOMATICALLY OVER JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE FEELING A LITTLE UNSURE. THE TROLLS THAT STAY TOGETHER HAPPILY FOR SWEEPS DO SO BECAUSE THEY WORK THEIR ASSES OFF.   
KARKAT: IT CAN BE DIFFICULT BUT IT IS SO, *SO* WORTH IT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) hes grinning by the way (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if you dont already know us (=) then the specifics are going to be scrubbed out by the filters and whatever (=) but trust me (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) him and his matesprit are (=) goals (=)   
KARKAT: [coughs]   
KARKAT: UH, ANYWAY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) oh fuck (=) we caught him being mushy (=) time to panic (=)   
KARKAT: I WILL POWDER YOUR BONES AND FERTILIZE MY FLOWERCOCOONS WITH THE RESULTING ASSHOLE MEAL.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and this brings us to our first possibility (8)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) maybe whatever youre seeing isnt flirting at all V   
KARKAT: DID YOU BAIT ME INTO THAT INTENTIONALLY OR ARE YOU JUST ROLLING WITH THE BLOWS?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) darling (o) you will never know (o)   
KARKAT: [laughs]   
KARKAT: FAIR ENOUGH.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) for everyone who doesnt see the two of us on a regular basis (o) youre probably reading his tendency for poetic insults as (o) blackflirting (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but it genuinely isnt (o) thats just how he is with everyone (o)   
KARKAT: SAME GOES FOR HIM. DOUBLE-E TENDS TO MATCH MY ANTAGONISM BUT GENERALLY THE STUFF HE DOES THAT COULD EASILY BE MISTAKEN FOR FLIRTING IS ON THE REDROM SIDE OF THINGS.   
KARKAT: REDROM APPEARING, ANYWAY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) well (o) there is a hairs difference between us (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) the insults are just how you interact with anyone (o) who you feel is worth your time (=) and theres no flirtatious spark to it at all (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) when I fire back at you (o) or talk to anybody down at [redacted] (=) I do mean it (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) but not as much (=) as people might think (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if that makes (=) any sense (=)   
KARKAT: MORE OR LESS, THOUGH I'VE ALSO SPENT FAR TOO MUCH TIME AROUND YOU AND AM CURSED WITH KNOWING YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS.   
KARKAT: FOR CLARIFICATION, HE'S TALKING ABOUT HOW ROMANTIC INTENT EXISTS ON A GRADIENT.   
KARKAT: SO WHEN HE FLIRTS WITH EVERYONE AT [redacted] IT'S BANTER TINGED WITH A HINT OF ROMANCE, AND THEN A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN ON THE INTENSITY YOU'D GET THINGS LIKE PASSING CRUSHES OR THE START OF BEING INTERESTED IN SOMEONE, ON THROUGH A FULL BLOWN CRUSH OR THE MOON JUST RISING ON A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, AND THEN BEING FULLY AND OVERWHELMINGLY IN LOVE WOULD BE TOWARDS THE OTHER END.   
KARKAT: IF I AM READING YOUR MEANING CORRECTLY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(=) you are (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) theres an element of (=)(=) hey there (=)(=) when I flirt like that (=) but it doesnt mean ive got any intent to take it further than that (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) back to the question (=) that we kind of made up ourselves (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if you see your matesprit interacting with their kismesis (=) and something about it feels like its flushed flirting (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its possible that your matesprit doesnt consider what theyre doing as a flirt (=)   
KARKAT: THE LESS YOU SEE THEM AROUND OTHER PEOPLE THE EASIER IT IS TO FALL INTO THIS KIND OF MISCONCEPTION.   
KARKAT: I MEAN IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU AT ALL--   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) to clarify hes looking at and talking about me (=)   
KARKAT: YES, THANK YOU. IF I MET YOU ONLINE AND HAD GONE ON A FEW DATES WITH YOU I'D THINK YOU WERE JUST DOING THAT THING WHERE YOU LEAN IN AND SMIRK AND STOP FUCKING DOING THAT, YOU MONUMENTAL ASS.   
KARKAT: PERSONAL SPACE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]   
KARKAT: I WOULD THINK IT WAS SOMETHING YOU DO WITH PEOPLE YOU DATE. BUT IT'S NOT, YOU DO THAT SHIT WITH LITERALLY EVERYONE IN OUR CIRCLE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its not my fault everyone in our circle is hot as fuck (8)   
KARKAT: FAIR POINT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) now if I was dating someone who came to me V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and asked (=) why I was doing that or calling other people darling (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(=) I would explain that I call a lot of people that (o) and that I dont mean it as a flirtatious thing (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) at least not a flirt with any teeth to it (=)   
KARKAT: SPEAKING HYPOTHETICALLY, IF THEY ASKED YOU TO STOP DOING IT WHAT WOULD YOU SAY.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) probably about the same thing youd say (=) if you dated someone pitch (o) and they wanted you to stop insulting everyone so (o) beautifully (=) all the time (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its totally reasonable to see it that way (=) but ultimately (o) this is me (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) ive tried reigning it in before (=) when an ex-matesprit took issue (o) and it made me miserable (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) leading to a string of massive fights when I finally started pushing back against it (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) I would probably feel more upset about how that turned out (o) if being ejected from my former circle of allies (o) didnt lead me to the current band of merry misfits (o)   
KARKAT: WE'RE GLAD TO HAVE YOU.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) aw (o)   
KARKAT: PLEASE, DRESEE, I AM BEGGING YOU, WITH TEARS IN MY EYES, DO NOT MAKE ME REGRET ADMITTING TO THAT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) okay okay ill drop it (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) back to the example (o) if my theoretical matesprit cant take a partner who flirts casually like that (o) then thats not anything negative on them (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) the parts about making our friends turn their backs on me (o) was kind of shitty and uncalled for (o) and im never interacting with her again because of that (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but pretty much everything prior to that (o) wasnt her being horrible and trying to clip my wings intentionally (o) or anything like that (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we were just incompatible in that regard (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) she needs a partner who doesnt flirt casually (8)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) I need a partner who doesnt mind when I do V   
KARKAT: YEAH, IF YOU ARE IN THIS KIND OF SITUATION AND YOUR PARTNER SAYS THAT THEY DON'T COUNT THAT AS FLIRTING, DON'T SHAME THEM FOR BEING A LITTLE MORE CASUAL WITH AFFECTION. IT FUCKING SUCKS.   
KARKAT: AND IF YOU'RE THE ONE DOING THE THING THAT LOOKS LIKE FLIRTING BUT ISN'T, DON'T SHAME YOUR PARTNER FOR FEELING INSECURE ABOUT IT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) some people strife ranged (o) some strife melee (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) neither one is wrong or right (o)(=) theyre just different (o)   
KARKAT: SLIDING TO AN ADJACENT POINT, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT WHAT YOU'RE SEEING IS IN FACT FLIRTING BUT ITS STILL NOT FLUSHFLIRTING, EITHER BECAUSE IT'S, UH, WHAT'S IT CALLED, UNASSIGNED FLIRTING? OR BECAUSE THEIR PITCHFLIRTING LOOKS FLUSH TO YOU.   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) mostly ive heard it called generic flirting (=) but I kind of like unassigned (o)   
KARKAT: WHAT I MEAN BY UNASSIGNED OR, YES, RIGHT, GENERIC, IS THAT IT'S SOMETHING YOUR PARTNER DOES WITH PEOPLE THEY ARE ROMANTICALLY INCLINED TOWARDS BUT THEY DO THAT THING WITH ANY QUADRANT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) like calling any partner babe (o) or asshole (=) or liking to cuddle with anyone youre dating (o)   
KARKAT: CUDDLING IS A GOOD EXAMPLE. WE KNOW A PAIR OF KISMESES LIKE THAT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we sure fucking do (o) I know exactly (=) who youre talking about (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if you took a picture of them cuddling on the couch (o) and showed it to anyone (=) theyd assume matesprits (=)(=) or moirails I guess (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but while theyre tucked up against each other theyre talking a constant stream of shit (o)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) as well as going on about their rival opinions (=) on their shared interest (=)   
KARKAT: OH, FUCK, SPEAKING OF MOIRAILS I HAVE THE PERFECT EXAMPLE.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) oh really who (=)   
KARKAT: NO ONE YOU'VE MET AND I HAVEN'T SEEN EITHER OF THEM IN A WHILE.   
KARKAT: BUT... HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A COUPLE AND JUST BEEN, "THEY ARE THE PERFECT EMBODIMENT OF THE QUADRANT THEY'RE SHARING"?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i know what you mean (=)   
KARKAT: WELL WHEN I WAS YOUNGER THE FIRST REAL CASE OF MOIRALLEGIANCE I CAME INTO CONTACT WITH WAS LIKE THAT.   
KARKAT: AT FIRST I COULDN'T IMAGINE WHAT THEY EVEN SAW IN EACH OTHER. I MEAN, OUT OF ALL THE QUADRANTS DIAMONDS ARE MOST LIKELY TO HAPPEN WITH TROLLS OF DIFFERING TEMPERAMENTS AND BACKGROUNDS, RIGHT?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) matesprits or kismeses can be pretty similar and still work (=) but to really have that balance with a moirail (=) you tend to have a more distinct division (=)   
KARKAT: THAT IS ONE ASPECT OF THE COMMON ROMANTIC KNOWLEDGE THAT MORE OR LESS HOLDS UP IN REALITY.   
KARKAT: ANYWAY, THEY JUST SEEMED *TOO* DIFFERENT BACK WHEN I ONLY KNEW EITHER OF THEM ONLINE.   
KARKAT: HOWEVER, PRETTY MUCH THE SECOND I MET THEM BOTH IN PERSON IT CLICKED.   
KARKAT: IT WAS JUST SO BLAZINGLY OBVIOUS HOW PALE THEY WERE AND HOW GOOD THEY WERE TOGETHER.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) not that you cant get to know someone really well over trollian and all (=) but sometimes you have to be there in the flesh to see the chemistry (=)   
KARKAT: I THINK THAT THE TWO OF THEM BEING GREAT TOGETHER MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FEW THINGS WE ALL AGREED ON.   
KARKAT: THE, UH, SQUAD I WAS ON FOR THE ORDEALS, I MEAN.   
KARKAT: SO WHEN SOMEONE FROM OUTSIDE THE GROUP TOOK ONE LOOK AT THEM TALKING WITH EACH OTHER AND MADE SOME THROWAWAY COMMENT THAT THEY SHOULD STOP PITCHFLIRTING FOR A SECOND, THE COGNITIVE DISSONANCE WAS INTENSE. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US STOPPED WHAT WE WERE DOING TO GAPE INCREDULOUSLY.   
KARKAT: IT WAS LIKE CLAIMING GRAVITY WASN'T A THING, THAT'S HOW PALE THEY WERE FOR EACH OTHER.   
KARKAT: AT THE TIME I DISMISSED IT AS A STRANGER NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT, BUT HONESTLY?   
KARKAT: THE TWO OF THEM ARGUED A LOT, AND SHE IN PARTICULAR COULD GET PRETTY ANIMATEDLY FRUSTRATED ABOUT IT, AND YEAH. IF I SAW THAT ON THE STREET I'D PROBABLY ASSUME THAT THEY WERE KISMESES.   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(=) it looks like its causing you physical pain to admit that (=)   
KARKAT: LOOK, EVEN NOW THAT I'VE SEEN MORE THAN JUST THE ONE HEALTHY MOIRALLEGIANCE, AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM IN A WHILE, THEY'RE STILL KIND OF THE STANDARD I HOLD MOIRALLEGIANCE TO?   
KARKAT: NOT THAT I THINK THAT EVERY GOOD PALEROM SHOULD BE A COPY OF THEIRS, BUT THE ESSENCE OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. I GUESS?   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) especially when its the first real example you had of a quadrant working (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it tends to stick around as a definition almost (8)   
KARKAT: ANYWAY, BETWEEN THE FACT THAT I KNEW I WASN'T FLIRTING WHEN I INSULTED PEOPLE AND KNOWING THAT THE MOST ICONIC DIAMOND I'VE EVER KNOWN WOULD PROBABLY SPEND THE REST OF THEIR LIVES BEING MISTAKEN FOR SPADES I FIGURED OUT THAT NONE OF THIS SHIT IS THE SAME FOR EVERYONE.   
KARKAT: WHICH IS SIMPLIFYING THE LONG, PAINFUL JOURNEY, BUT THAT IS GENERALLY HOW IT WENT.   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) thats the key here I think V   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) because for some people (=) maybe even the majority (=) insults like you do would feel like flirting (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( )(=) partly because were taught from an early age that this is what blackrom looks like (o) so a lot of our habits get filled in from there (o) probably some innate stuff too (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but were all different (=)   
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we all flirt different (=)   
KARKAT: WHAT YOU SAID ABOUT HABITS IS IMPORTANT, I THINK.   
KARKAT: I MEAN, ONE OF THE MOST ICONIC PITCHFLIRTS OF TODAY IS CHANGING THEIR PALMHUSK PASSWORD.   
KARKAT: IT CAUSES FRUSTRATION, IF YOU DID THE CHANGING OF THE PASSWORD THEN YOU'VE ONE UPPED THEM SINCE YOU FIGURED OUT THEIR ACTUAL PASSWORD, IT'S GOT THE ELEMENT OF GROWTH SINCE IF YOU'RE NOT A HACKER AND YOU FIGURED OUT THEIR PASSWORD IT MEANS THEY NEED A MORE SECURE ONE, AND THEN AFTER YOU MAKE THEM ADMIT YOU GOT THEM GOOD YOU HAND OVER THE NEW PASSWORD WHICH IS ALWAYS SOMETHING THAT WILL ANNOY THEM.   
KARKAT: ULTIMATELY, THOUGH, THERE'S NO LASTING DAMAGE DONE, AND IF IT'S RIGHT FOR THE TONE OF THE KISMESITUDE THEN IT'LL USUALLY LEAD TO MAKEOUTS.  
KARKAT: IF IT'S SUITABLE FOR YOUR KISMESITUDE, THAT IS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) see it all the time in movies (=) and in real life (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it is a good well rounded bit of blackrom for a lot of people (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but if your partner has been hurt in the past by someone snooping on their accounts (=) or being controlling through technology (o) then this is not something you should do (=)  
KARKAT: AND EVEN IF THEY DON'T HAVE SOME PAST DAMAGE YOU SHOULD NEVER DO THIS WITHOUT PRIOR PERMISSION. ISSUE A CHALLENGE AND IF THEY GO FOR IT WITH THEIR WHOLE SPADE THEN HACK AWAY. IF THEY AREN'T A FAN THEN DON'T FUCKING DO IT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) consent needs to be a whole series on its own (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but back to the point at grasper (o) what is your point at grasper (o)  
KARKAT: WE DIDN'T ALWAYS HAVE PALMHUSKS.  
KARKAT: SO EVEN IF THE ESSENCE OF THE SCENARIO RINGS TRUE AS SPADES, THE ACTUAL METHODOLOGY IS SOMETHING WE CAME UP WITH AFTER THE TECHNOLOGY EXISTED.  
KARKAT: TROLLKIND ASSIGNED THIS THING TO KISMESES, AND WHETHER OR NOT IT WAS ASSIGNED FOR A GOOD REASON THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS THAT THIS IS A CHOICE THAT WAS MADE WHEN THE TECHNOLOGY BECAME AVAILABLE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) right (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so what youre getting at is that sometimes a flirt might (o) belong (o) to a given quadrant (o) but only because someone decided to pin it in that square (o)  
KARKAT: YEAH. THAT EXAMPLE IS FAIRLY SPECIFIC AND IS PRETTY SOLIDLY PITCH, THOUGH OF COURSE NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO BE OKAY WITH THAT IN THEIR KISMESITUDE.  
KARKAT: BUT... SOCIETY AT LARGE THINGS ARGUING IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM IS PITCH AND IT'S JUST... NOT.  
KARKAT: OR THAT ANY INSULT BEYOND DISMISSAL MEANS THERE MUST BE BLACK FEELINGS BEHIND IT BECAUSE WHY ELSE WOULD YOU SPEND THE TIME CRAFTING SUCH POETRY WHEN IN REALITY IT JUST KIND OF HAPPENS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its kind of a shame youre not into music (o) youd probably be pretty good at live slam poetry verbal duels (o)  
KARKAT: FUCK SLAM, BUT YES, I'D BE A GOD AMONG MORTALS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) such modesty (o)  
KARKAT: DOUBLE-E, YOU DIDN'T KNOW PAST ME. THIS *IS* MODEST.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i mean same but fuck really (o)  
KARKAT: SHUT UP AND DIE. PREFERABLY IN THAT ORDER BUT I'M FLEXIBLE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) flexible you say (8)  
KARKAT: [long annoyed sigh]  
[there is silence for 90 seconds]  
KARKAT: I'M DISAPPOINTED IN US BOTH.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i am genuinely so fucking glad I met you V  
KARKAT: YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE ME ADMIT THAT I'M GLAD TOO, ARE YOU? AFTER FLEXIBLE, YOU'RE GOING TO DO THAT?  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]  
KARKAT: OH WHAT IS THAT IT'S A SPEEDING BARELY LEGIBLE ENTRY ON OUR NOTES THAT WE REALLY NEED TO STICK TO FOR MORE THAN TWO FUCKING MINUTES AT A TIME.  
KARKAT: SO MAYBE YOU'RE AWARE OF ALL THAT, OR YOUR MATESPRIT'S KISMESITUDE IS TYPICAL ENOUGH YOU DIDN'T REALLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THEIR BRAND OF BLACKROM NOT LINING UP WITH WHAT'S SHOVED DOWN OUR COLLECTIVE PROTEIN CHUTES AS THE ONLY RIGHT WAY TO DO BLACKROM.  
KARKAT: IT'S NOT THAT THE KISMESES FLIRTING ALWAYS LOOKED LIKE IT COULD BE FLUSH, BUT RATHER THAT IT WAS SOMETHING YOU IDENTIFIED AS PITCH AND THEN SOMETHING CHANGED AND NOW YOU FEEL IT'S FLUSH.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) while this can be a legitimate sign (o) of your partners feeling shifting (o) its not automatically the case (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i want to stress this since (o) out of all the (=) so called (=) proper romance advice sources that karkat and i were tearing to shreds when the idea of this show came about (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) literally none of them left any room for interpretation (o) or nuance on this point (o)  
KARKAT: I THOUGHT I GOT THE BULK OF MY IRRITATION OVER THIS OUT OF MY SYSTEM DURING THE PLANNING PHASE, AND YET HERE WE ARE.  
KARKAT: IT'S LIKE A NEW STAR IS COMING INTO BEING INSIDE MY SKELETAL CAGE, WHITE HOT WITH FUSION POWERED BY UNBRIDLED RAGE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i could never say it so beautifully (o)(=) but same here (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) look ive seen this happen before (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) many times (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and almost always when i heard the story or when i sat back and examined my own behaviors (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i realized that what was happening wasnt so much a blatant shift to redrom (=) but rather a sort of pause on the bigger blackrom gestures (=)  
KARKAT: LIKE A CEASEFIRE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) right temporary truce (=)  
KARKAT: YOU CAN FALL INTO THIS PRETTY EASILY IF YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR PARTNER'S PARTNERS VERY WELL, BUT EVEN IF YOU DO KNOW YOUR MATESPRIT'S KISMESIS YOU DON'T KNOW THEM THE WAY YOUR MATESPRIT DOES.  
KARKAT: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN THEIR LIFE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) maybe they just broke up with a different partner of theirs (=) their lusus died (=) they lost their job (=) their favorite band broke up (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) theyre feeling a little raw for whatever reason (=) so their kismesis is dialing back the more dramatic forms of flirting until the wound has a chance to scab over (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) in the same way a good kismesis would call a ceasefire to the more physical aspects of it if their partner was physically injured (=)  
KARKAT: SOME ADVICE OF THE SPECTACULARLY AWFUL VARIETY MAKES OUT LIKE THAT KIND OF CONSIDERATION IS COMPLETELY AND UNAMBIGUOUSLY ON THE PITY SIDE OF THINGS, BUT, JUST, NO.  
KARKAT: IN BLACKROM YOU WANT TO IRRITATE YOUR PARTNER. YOU WANT TO FRUSTRATE THEM. KEEP THEM GUESSING TO STOP THE RIVALRY FROM GETTING DULL.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WANT TO ACTUALLY *HURT* YOUR KISMESIS IN ANY SIGNIFICANT OR LASTING WAY THEN YOU ARE NOT IN A GOOD KISMESITUDE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) ive talked to people who straight up felt shitty for not wanting to prod their kismesis (=) when said kismesis was going through some kind of ordeal (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) not because they wanted to hurt their kismesis but because they felt like they should still want to (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) usually because they had twelve trolls a minute telling them they had to (8)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and yeah sometimes a troll wants a distraction if shits going down in their life V  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but sometimes they just need a minute to heal (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its (=) not (o) wrong you know (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) not wanting to get into the more intense side of kismesitude (=) or any quadrant (o) when that happens (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and its definitely not bad to want to respect your partners need for a breather (=)  
KARKAT: IN A SIMILAR ARTERY, THE KISMESIS MIGHT NOT BE GOING THROUGH ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR BUT THE COUPLE MIGHT JUST BE FIGURING OUT THAT THEY DON'T WANT TO FOLLOW THE POP CULTURE IDEAL OF A KISMESITUDE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) maybe the two of them started out doing the more public pitchflirts and then realized it just wasnt for them (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) theyre settling into a new dynamic that might not be as visible (=) but is still very much kismesitude (=)  
KARKAT: WHILE WE ARE STILL TALKING ABOUT ALL QUADRANT DYNAMICS, THERE'S A LOT OF CULTURAL PRESSURE TO MAKE THOSE BIG VERY VISIBLE GESTURES WHEN IT COMES TO SPADES.  
KARKAT: REDROM IS CONSIDERED MORE OF A PRIVATE AFFAIR SO PEOPLE TEND TO BELIEVE A COUPLE MORE WHEN THEY'RE IN HEARTS OR DIAMONDS BUT DON'T SHOW IT PUBLICALLY.  
KARKAT: I MEAN, IF WE FOLLOWED THE SAME SOCIETAL RULES FOR REDROM AS WE DO FOR BLACKROM THEN EVERYONE WOULD BE EXPECTED TO PILE THEIR MOIRAIL RIGHT THERE ON THE NUTRITION PLATEAU ANYTIME THEY GO OUT FOR COFFEE OR RISK BEING CALLED LIARS ABOUT THEIR COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) meanwhile (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if a flush or pale couple (o) show more than a little affection for each other in public (o) then theyre labeled exhibitionists (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) people breaking their necks trying to catch a gander bulb full (o) even as they sneer like pity is something to be ashamed of (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we should probably add that to the list for future episodes (o) if we ever get to do any (o)  
KARKAT: HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) right (o) probably should move on to the next phase of the talk (o)  
KARKAT: RIGHT.  
[papers shuffling]  
KARKAT: SO THAT WAS A NON-EXHAUSTIVE LIST OF WAYS YOU COULD BE READING THIS SITUATION COMPLETELY WRONG.  
KARKAT: HOWEVER, EVEN IF YOU TALK TO YOUR PARTNER AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE A SILLY MISUNDERSTANDING, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT YOUR WORRIES WERE SILLY.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we talked before (o) about needing to be more to the middle instead of extremes (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) again a lot of empire approved romantic advice tends to be simplified to the point its useless (o)  
KARKAT: LIKE WRITING A PROGRAM THAT COLLAPSES SCREAMING INTO THE PUPAL POSITION THE FIRST TIME A PASSWORD IS ENTERED INCORRECTLY. YOU HAVE TO MAKE ALLOWANCES FOR HONEST TYPOS OR FORGETTING TO QUIRK OR DE-QUIRK OR TYPING UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF THE SLIMIES OR SOPORIFIC BEVERAGES.  
KARKAT: THE REAL WORLD IS MESSY, FUCKING ACT LIKE IT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) oh my god you are such a nerd (o)  
KARKAT: EAT MY ENTIRE BULGE, SHITMUNCH.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) you keep promising me a good time and then you never deliver (8)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) tease V  
KARKAT: MOVING *RIGHT* THE FUCK ON.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [snickering]  
KARKAT: LOOK, IF YOU'RE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR PARTNER CHEATING ON YOU THEN THAT FEELING IS COMING FROM SOMEWHERE.  
KARKAT: EVEN IF THE SPECIFIC INSTANCE OF "I SAW YOU DO THIS AND THOUGHT IT WAS FLUSH" MIGHT BE EASILY RESOLVED WITH "I CALL ALL MY PARTNERS THAT" IT WASN'T REALLY THAT PARTICULAR ENDEARMENT THAT MADE YOU WORRIED.  
KARKAT: THAT'S WHAT YOUR ANXIETY LATCHED ONTO, AND IF YOU PRUNE THE BRANCHES WITHOUT KILLING THAT WEED AT THE ROOT THEN IT'S JUST GOING TO GROW BACK SOMEWHERE ELSE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) ultimately (o) for whatever reason (o) something in you doesnt trust your partner not to cheat on you (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) youre a new couple so you dont feel sure of their feelings for you (o) theyre not spending as much time with you and you feel neglected (=) youve been cheated on in the past (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) something (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and it might be uncomfortable to dig down and figure out whats at the root of all this (o)(=) the weed metaphor was really good by the way (o)  
KARKAT: I KNOW IT WAS.  
KARKAT: I CAME UP WITH IT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if i thought for a second you were really that egotistical (o)  
KARKAT: WOULDN'T WANT THE COMPETITION?  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) okay okay (o)(=) fair (o)  
KARKAT: I CAN DO THIS ALL NIGHT, AND YES, THAT APPLIES TO SCHOOLFEEDING YOU AND MY STAMINA.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [helpless laughter]  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [breathless] I want the record to show that he keeps grinning like a maniac but hes not laughing so no one is going to know that hes having as good a time as I am  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) vantas (o) tell them youre having a good time (o)  
KARKAT: HE'S GOT ME TIED UP IN A MURDER SUBTERRANEAN STORAGEBLOCK.  
KARKAT: SEND HELP.  
[they fuck around like this for 8 minutes, then get back on track]  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) where were we (=)  
KARKAT: EFFECTIVE LAWNRING CARE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) oh right (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so heres the thing (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) the most common thing ive heard in regards to things like this (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) is that they dont want to do anything about it (=) because that would cause problems (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but darling (=) theres already problems or we wouldnt be having this conversation (=)  
KARKAT: EXACTLY.  
KARKAT: YES, GETTING DOWN IN THE DIRT AND DIGGING UP A PART OF YOUR LAWNRING CAN BE MESSY AND CAN LEAVE AN UGLY SCAR OF OPEN DIRT.  
KARKAT: YOU KNOW WHAT LOOKS WORSE? WAITING UNTIL THE WEEDS HAVE SPREAD ACROSS THE WHOLE FUCKING THING AND HAVE CHOKED OUT ALL THE GRASS LEAVING YOU WITH NOTHING BUT WEEDS AND DIRT.  
KARKAT: IF YOU WAIT TO DEAL WITH THE WEEDS UNTIL THEY GET TO THAT POINT THEN EVEN IF YOU MANAGE TO PULL THEM ALL OUT IT'S GOING TO HURT A LOT MORE AND ODDS ARE YOU WON'T HAVE ENOUGH HEALTHY LAWNRING LEFT TO GET BACK TO THE LUSH CARPET YOU STARTED WITH.  
KARKAT: BUT IF YOU PULLED THE WEEDS WHEN THERE WAS STILL JUST ONE OR TWO OF THEM THEN YOU'D HAVE ENOUGH HEALTHY LAWNRING TO GROW BACK INTO THE VOID. MAYBE TURN A NEGATIVE INTO A POSITIVE AND PLANT SOME TASTEFUL FLOWERS WHILE THE DIRT'S BEEN TURNED UP.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) what the shit (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i still cant believe youre this much of a fucking subgrub elitist (8)  
KARKAT: HOW WAS THAT ELITIST?  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) are you going to start talking about feeding the relationship metaphor with whats the fuck V  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) bloodgrain (o) or some shit (o)  
KARKAT: OKAY, FOR ONE THING IT'S BLOOD*MEAL* YOU USE IN THE SOIL.  
KARKAT: BLOOD*GRAIN* IS A WAIST HIGH ORNAMENTAL GRASS YOU CAN GET IN NEARLY THE FULL SPREAD OF THE HEMOSPECTRUM, GIVING YOU THE OPPORTUNITY FOR CREATIVE LANDSCAPING WITH CAREFUL COLOR SECTIONS. OR YOU CAN JUST MIX THEM ALL TOGETHER AND TOSS THEM DOWN FOR AN EASY BUT STILL ATTRACTIVE DRINKER'S RIVER EFFECT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) I know if you live in the subgrubs (o) and let your lawnring die its automatic culling (=) but I will still never understand ranting for hours about twelve slightly different versions of the same flower in the same color (o) like theres a galaxy of difference between them (o)  
KARKAT: IT'S EASIER TO KEEP UP WITH IT IF YOU FIND WAYS TO ENJOY IT.  
KARKAT: THE PLANNING STAGE OF KEEPING UP WITH THE JHONEZES IS A WAKING DAYMARE, BUT THE ACTUAL PLANTING AND TENDING PART IS RELAXING.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) consider me skeptical that youve ever relaxed once in your entire damn life (o)  
KARKAT: THAT'S FAIR.  
KARKAT: ALSO, THE BLOODMEAL DOES APPLY TO RELATIONSHIPS, SO FUCK YOU.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) please explain it in small words (o) so a poor city oozer like me can understand (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) I know being an ass to each other is three quarters of our friendship (o)(=) but you genuinely lost me towards the end (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and if you lost me (o) then any listeners (=) uh readers (=) whatever (=) will also get lost if theyre not as down with romance and lawnring care as you are (o)  
KARKAT: I GET YOUR POINT.  
KARKAT: OKAY, WALKING THROUGH IT STEP BY STEP AND STARTING AT THE TOP JUST IN CASE.  
KARKAT: THE LAWNRING REPRESENTS THE RELATIONSHIP.  
KARKAT: EVERYONE WHO HASN'T RECENTLY SUFFERED SEVERE PAN DAMAGE SHOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT ABOUT, BUT THIS IS KIND OF AN IMPORTANT POINT I WANT TO ELABORATE ON.  
KARKAT: WHEN YOU START WITH A NEW RELATIONSHIP IT'S LIKE COMING IN TO A FRESH PLOT OF LAND. MAYBE THERE'S SOME FLOWERS OR GRASS ALREADY GROWING THERE, LIKE HAVING SHARED INTERESTS THAT GIVE YOU EASY STARTING COMMON GROUND, BUT IT'S STILL NOWHERE CLOSE TO FINISHED.  
KARKAT: DOING THINGS LIKE CHURNING BLOODMEAL OR COMPOST INTO THE SOIL IS DIRTY WORK THAT CAN FEEL UNSATISFYING IF YOU'RE ONLY LOOKING AT WHAT YOU HAVE NOW INSTEAD OF WHAT IT WILL ENABLE YOU TO HAVE.  
KARKAT: SIMILARLY, THERE'S A LOT OF WORK AT THE START OF A RELATIONSHIP THAT MIGHT NOT FEEL FUN.  
KARKAT: WHAT DOES OR DOESN'T FEEL FUN DEPENDS ON THE TROLLS INVOLVED, BUT...  
KARKAT: [mumbling] WHAT'S A GOOD EXAMPLE...  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) like someone who doesnt like music making a playlist of their partners favorite songs to put on when theyre visting (o)  
KARKAT: YES, THINGS LIKE THAT.  
KARKAT: THOUGH HONESTLY ONCE YOU GET THE MENTALITY OF LAYING A PROPER FOUNDATION FOR A STRONG RELATIONSHIP TO COME LEARNING THAT STUFF DOESN'T FEEL LIKE SUCH A BURDEN.  
KARKAT: SIMILARLY, I USED TO LOATHE GETTING THE GROUND READY FOR PLANTING SINCE IT WAS JUST SWEATY AND GRITTY AND I STARTED WITH DIRT AND ENDED WITH DIRT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but you love it now (=)  
KARKAT: IT'S STILL NOT MY FAVORITE PART OF THE PROCESS, BUT IT'S GONE FROM INTENSE DISLIKE TO NEUTRAL.  
KARKAT: AND I FEEL SATISFIED ONCE IT'S DONE BECAUSE I KNOW I CAN'T HAVE THE LAWNRING I WANT LATER IF I DON'T DO THIS WORK NOW.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) yeah youre right (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) not about the actual digging in the dirt (=) youre still on your own there (=)  
KARKAT: NEXT TIME I SEE YOU I'M GOING TO SHOVE CUTTINGS DOWN YOUR SHIRT AND IT WILL BE SUCH AN ANTITHESIS TO YOUR CONCRETE HIVESTEM EXISTENCE YOU'LL BURST INTO FLAMES.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) cuttings (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) what does cuttings mean (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) of fucking what (=)  
KARKAT: THAT'S FOR ME TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) this is going to end badly for one of us and given the grin I think its going to be me (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) anyway I get what you mean (8)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) growing up obsessed with romance V  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) anything that wasnt part of the official romantic experience (=) according to movies and shit (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) was boring and dumb (=) and i didnt spend enough time working on those elements (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so (=) when the first real ordeal of the relationship reared up (o) there wasn't the solid foundation to steady things (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or blood in the dirt as it were (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) now though theres still things that I dont find as engaging as others (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but i dont think its like (=)(o) boring and dumb anymore (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) just a thing ive got to do if I want the fun stuff to exist (=)  
KARKAT: SO YOU DO THE WORK AND GET THE FLOWERCOCOONS SET UP, ALL THE PLANTS ARE FED APPROPRIATELY, AND THINGS ARE GROWING AND BLOOMING.  
KARKAT: MAINSTREAM ADVICE DOES AT LEAST GET IT RIGHT THAT A NEW RELATIONSHIP TAKES WORK, HOWEVER, IT TENDS TO AT BEST GLOSS OVER AND AT WORST COMPLETELY ERASE THE IDEA THAT THE WORK DOESN'T END THERE.  
KARKAT: IN A MOVIE IF AN ESTABLISHED ROMANCE IS SHOWN AS NEEDING WORK AFTER THE INITIAL PHASE THEN IT'S ALWAYS A HIGH MAINTENANCE ONE, USUALLY PITCH SINCE THEY'RE ALLOWED AND EXPECTED TO BE PUBLIC ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: BIG SHOWY GIFTS, ELABORATE AND THEREFORE EXPENSIVE GESTURES, THAT KIND OF THING.  
KARKAT: THE EQUIVALENT BEING REALLY FINICKY PLANTS THAT ARE REALLY PRONE TO DISEASE OR NEED EXTRA ATTENTION TO GROW OUTSIDE OF THEIR USUAL CLIMATE.  
KARKAT: IF YOU DON'T HATE YOURSELF OR THE CONCEPT OF FREE TIME YOU COULD INSTEAD USE GROUNDCOVERS THAT DON'T TAKE A LOT OF WATER, HARDY WOODY STEMMED BUSHES OVER MORE FRAGILE PLANTS THAT SUCCUMB TO FROST IF YOU LOOK AT THEM WRONG, IMPRESSIVE BUT EASY TO MAINTAIN CENTERPIECES LIKE FLOWERING VINES ON A TRELLIS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) okay so I have seen pictures of your hive (o) and while lawnring culture is still everything that is wrong with trollkind (o) the thing you have going with the vines over the front door is very nice (o)  
KARKAT: THANK YOU! IT WAS A BITCH TO GET RIGHT BUT IT'S WORTH IT NOW.  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF WHICH, THE FREE TIME COMMENT WAS A LITTLE UNFAIR. FOR PEOPLE WHO REALLY LOVE THOSE FINICKY FLOWERS OR THE THRILL OF A SHOWY RELATIONSHIP THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO KEEP THEM GOING IS NO BIG DEAL.  
KARKAT: I COULD HAVE USED THE SAME KIND OF CLIMBING VINES AS IN THE BACK LAWNRING FOR THAT, BUT I GOT IT IN MY HEAD TO USE A VERSION WITH BIGGER BLOOMS BUT A LOWER RESISTANCE TO ROOT FUNGUS. THEY WERE PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE WORTH IT, THOUGH.  
KARKAT: BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE FLOWER OR THE SPECTACLE ENOUGH THEN YOU'RE GOING TO GET BURNED OUT AND IT'S GOING TO END UP DEAD.  
KARKAT: AND, HERE'S THE REALLY SHOCKING PART, EVEN THE LOWEST MAINTENANCE LAWNRING POSSIBLE STILL NEEDS *WORK* TO KEEP HEALTHY!  
KARKAT: IT TAKES TIME TO GET THERE, FOR ONE THING, AND YOU'VE GOT TO KEEP TURNING NUTRIENTS INTO THE SOIL THE WHOLE TIME.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) theyre low maintenance now (o) specifically because a lot of work got put into them on the front end (o)  
KARKAT: PRECISELY THAT.  
KARKAT: THE NATURE OF THE TROLLS INVOLVED PLAYS A PART AS WELL, OBVIOUSLY, BUT EVEN IF EVERYONE INVOLVED IS CHILL AS GLACIERBERRY ICE CREAM IT STILL TOOK WORK TO GET THERE.  
KARKAT: SO DON'T BE AFRAID OF SOME ELEMENT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDING WORK. IT DOESN'T AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) are we back on the weeds (o)  
KARKAT: YES WE ARE.  
KARKAT: WHEN SOMETHING HAS YOU FEELING UNSURE, LIKE HEARING YOUR MATESPRIT CALL THEIR KISMESIS SOMETHING YOU THOUGHT WAS RESERVED ONLY FOR YOU OR WHATEVER HAS YOU WORRIED THEY'RE CHEATING ON YOU, THAT'S LIKE A WEED SPRINGING UP.  
KARKAT: THE THING ABOUT WEEDS IS THEY DON'T JUST GO AWAY. EVEN IF YOU PERSONALLY DON'T PULL THEM UP SOMEONE ELSE IS GOING TO HAVE TO.  
KARKAT: FOR EXAMPLE, MAYBE YOUR MATESPRIT NOTICES YOU ACTING WEIRD BEFORE YOU BRING IT UP AND ADDRESSES THE ISSUE.  
KARKAT: BUT YOU CAN'T RELY ON THEM NOTICING. IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT IF THEY DON'T NOTICE SUBTLE CLUES YOU'RE PROBABLY TRYING TO ACTIVELY HIDE IF YOU'RE NOT ALREADY TALKING TO THEM ABOUT IT.  
KARKAT: IT'S YOUR LAWNRING. YOU KNOW BEST IF SOMETHING IS AN UNWANTED WEED OR AN INTENTIONAL FEATURE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) sometimes the weeds are the same color as the grass (o) so it blends in (o) and you might not know what your partner did and didnt plant on purpose (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) right (o)  
KARKAT: WE'LL MAKE A GARDENER OUT OF YOU YET.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) please (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) do not (o)  
KARKAT: [chuckles]  
KARKAT: SO YOU'VE GOT THE OPTION OF DEALING WITH THE WEED NOW OR LEAVING IT FOR LATER.  
KARKAT: THE IMMEDIATE REALITY YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT IS THAT DIGGING UP THAT WEED WILL CAUSE SOME DAMAGE TO THE PLANTS YOU WANT TO BE THERE.  
KARKAT: BRINGING UP THAT YOU'RE FEELING UNSURE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP IN SOME WAY COULD LEAD TO HURT FEELINGS ON YOUR MATESPRIT'S PART.  
KARKAT: BUT THE FACT IS THAT IF YOU JUST IGNORE THAT WEED IT'S GOING TO KEEP GROWING AND SPREADING.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) you start out with being wobbly on trust in one small area (8)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but if you dont deal with it then you end up not trusting them in all areas V  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) which is no way to run a relationship (=)  
KARKAT: IF YOU DON'T DEAL WITH IT NOW YOU *WILL* DEAL WITH IT LATER AND IT *WILL* BE SO MUCH HARDER TO TAKE CARE OF.  
KARKAT: AS I SAID BEFORE IF THE REST OF THE LAWNRING IS HEALTHY YOU WON'T HAVE A TON OF TROUBLE FILLING IN THE PATCH OF DIRT LEFT BY THE WEED REMOVAL.  
KARKAT: MAKE SURE THE SOIL WON'T WASH OUT IN THE RAIN, MAYBE RESEED IT, AND YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH GOOD.  
KARKAT: SIMILARLY, IF YOU'RE WORKING WITH A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH JUST ONE OR TWO SMALL ISSUES THAT NEED TO BE DEALT WITH, WHATEVER HURT FEELINGS SPRING UP WHEN IT COMES TO THE HARD TALKS WILL BE MINOR AND WILL HAVE THE CUSHION OF ALL THE GOOD FEELINGS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) where waiting until the weeds consume the whole lawnring (=)(o) means there wont be any good grass left (=)  
KARKAT: EVEN IF YOU TRY LIKE HELL TO GET IT GROWING AGAIN, ONE GOOD HARD RAIN WILL WASH IT ALL OUT. A RELATIONSHIP WITH THAT MUCH DAMAGE CAN'T SURVIVE STRESSES LIKE ONE OF YOU LOSING A JOB OR GOING THROUGH A BREAKUP IN ANOTHER QUADRANT, THINGS LIKE THAT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( )(=) okay this I am following and I think I know what you mean (o) but go through it for everyone (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) what you mean by (=) taking the opportunity to plant something besides grass (=)  
KARKAT: SOMETIMES YOU CAN USE THE HARD TALKS, LIKE TELLING YOUR MATESPRIT YOU'RE UNSURE OF THEIR COMMITMENT TOWARDS YOU, AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO BUILD THE GARDEN.  
KARKAT: MAYBE THE PROBLEM WAS THAT YOU FELT JEALOUS THAT THEY WERE USING A TERM OF ENDEARMENT WITH THEIR KISMESIS THAT YOU THOUGHT BELONGED TO YOU.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) which (=) by the way (o) usually its not the word itself you have a problem with (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) at the root of the weed (=)(o) is feeling like youre not special to your partner (=)  
KARKAT: EXACTLY.  
KARKAT: WHILE DIGGING UP THIS WEED MAYBE YOU REALIZE THE LAWNRING JUST NEEDED A POP OF COLOR. MAYBE YOU JUST NEED TO SIT WITH YOUR MATESPRIT AND WORKSHOP A NICKNAME JUST FOR YOU.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i hate to admit it but that is a good metaphor (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) bloodgrain and all (o)  
KARKAT: JUST ADMIT MY ETERNAL SUPERIORITY. IT'LL SAVE YOU TIME.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or heres an idea (o) you can choke on your bloodgrain (o)  
KARKAT: I DON'T HAVE ANY BLOODGRAIN. THE NEIGHBOR ACROSS THE WAY IS USING THE DRINKER'S RIVER AS THEIR DESIGN CENTERPIECE AND COPYING IT WOULD BRING THE LOOK OF BOTH OUR HIVES DOWN.  
KARKAT: I'M ON A TRELLIS AND VINE KICK RIGHT NOW.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) please (o) stop saying words (o)  
KARKAT: I HAVE A VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION FOR YOU.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) yes (o)  
KARKAT: HAVE YOU EVER MET ME?  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) yes (o)  
KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU THINK THE ODDS ARE OF ME EVER SHUTTING THE FUCK UP?  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) moving on (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) weve talked about a lot of the ways that this could be a misunderstanding (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and how important doing the work is (8)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) so please keep that in mind V  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) as we move into what happens if you are right (o) and they do feel red for their pitch partner (o)  
KARKAT: TO START WITH, EVEN IF YOUR MATESPRIT HAS BEEN GENUINELY WAXING FLUSH FOR THEIR KISMESIS IT DOESN'T MEAN EVERYTHING IS OVER.  
KARKAT: WE TALKED BEFORE ABOUT CEASEFIRES WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS IN THE SAME WAY YOU'D WANT TO AVOID RAVISHING SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT HALF THEIR BONES BROKEN.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) sometimes the feelings do dip to pity in a situation like this (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) particularly if the particular problem the kismesis is dealing with (o)(=) mirrors something in the life of someone theyve felt red for (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) past or present (o) including you (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if your matesprit pities you over losing your lusus and finds out their kismesis also lost their lusus then that can cross over sometimes  
KARKAT: A NEW RELATIONSHIP IN PARTICULAR IS MORE PRONE TO FLUX. THESE FLUSH FEELINGS COULD EASILY BE VERY FLEETING, AND ONCE YOUR MATESPRIT HAS PROCESSED THE NEW INFORMATION THEY CAN GO AWAY COMPLETELY.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it could also be that (o) as the new relationship is in flux (=) by nature of being new (=) they havent figured out their quadrant yet (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) which yes could worst case be hearts but its amazing how easily moirails can mistake their feelings for pitch (o)  
KARKAT: WHILE THEY AREN'T ADJACENT QUADRANTS, BOTH HAVE AN ELEMENT OF IMPROVING THE OTHER TROLL TO THEM.  
KARKAT: PARTICULARLY IF THEY'RE MORE OF THE FRUSTRATED KIND, LIKE THE ONE HALF OF THE DIAMOND I KNEW BACK DURING MY ORDEALS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it could also be that this is your partners first real experience with blackrom (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or whatever the quadrant is (=) in your particular situation (=)  
KARKAT: THE ODDS OF THIS BEING A THING TEND TO GO UP THE FEWER PARTNERS YOUR MATESPRIT HAS HAD.  
KARKAT: IF YOU'VE BEEN FLUSH FOR A COUPLE SWEEPS AND PRIOR TO THAT THEY ONLY HAD A SEASON'S LONG PALEMANCE AND NO EXPERIENCE WITH BLACKROM BEYOND A COUPLE CRUSHES THAT NEVER GOT ANYWHERE?  
KARKAT: THEY'LL BE APPLYING REDROM LOGIC TO BLACKROM BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY MAP THEY KNOW TO FOLLOW.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) while this can lead to issues (=) like your matesprit feeling like youre cheating on them (=) its not evil or anything (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) just a lack of practice (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if this is happening and youre on good terms with the kismesis (=) you might all three sit down and figure out the differences in how they feel about the two of you (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or just the matesprit (=) if that seems like a crowd (=)  
KARKAT: SPEAKING OF STATISTICS, THE ODDS OF YOU FEELING LIKE YOU'RE BEING CHEATED ON GO UP THE FEWER SERIOUS PARTNERS YOU'VE HAD.  
KARKAT: IF YOUR FIRST REAL QUADRANT WASN'T DATING ANYONE ELSE WHEN YOU GOT TOGETHER AND SUDDENLY YOU'RE HAVING TO SHARE THEIR TIME, THIS CAN MAKE WHATEVER'S HAPPENING, MALICIOUS OR MISUNDERSTANDING, SEEM WORSE. SO KEEP IT IN MIND.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it is important to remember that your hurt feelings are valid things in this circumstance (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if youre the troll finding out your matesprit is flush for someone else (8)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) or if youre the troll who isnt at all flush for their kismesis V  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and youre hurt your matesprit thinks you were unfaithful (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) it does make a difference if you accidentally spill a drink on someone (=)(o) or if you throw it in their face (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but ultimately that troll is still dripping wet (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) be aware of your own biases and fears (=) potentially making this seem worse than it is (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) be aware that even if something is going on (=) it might not be something your matesprit was actively trying to do (o) or was even aware of on a conscious level (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but also be aware (=) youre allowed to feel hurt about this (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) its all about the balance (=)  
KARKAT: AND IF YOU DO GO INTO THIS AND YOUR WORST FEARS WERE TRUE AND YOUR MATESPRIT FELL INTO FLUSH FEELINGS AND KEPT CHASING THEM WITHOUT TALKING TO YOU ABOUT IT OR IS ACTIVELY CHEATING… TIME ISN’T GOING TO HELP THAT.  
KARKAT: SOMETIMES FEELINGS ARE MESSY AND PEOPLE STEP ON THE LINE AND THAT CAN BE WORKED THROUGH AND FORGIVEN IF EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK THROUGH IT, BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE DELIBERATELY CROSS THE LINE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i know fear of this turning out true keeps people from talking to their partners (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) but if they were cheating on you on purpose (o) then the relationship is already over (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( )(o) no relationship can survive without trust (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) delaying the discovery isnt going to change the reality of it (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) and if it is something that can be worked through (o) then delaying trying to fix it will just make it harder if not impossible to fix (o)  
KARKAT: WHATEVER THE SPECIFICS ARE, YOU WON'T KNOW UNLESS YOU TALK TO YOUR PARTNER.  
KARKAT: IF YOU DON'T TALK TO THEM IT DOESN'T MEAN THE WEED IS GONE. IT'S GOING TO KEEP SPREADING AND IT'LL KILL EVERYTHING EVEN IF YOU ONCE HAD A CHANCE TO SAVE IT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) if theres only one thing people take away from all of this (o) I want it to be that (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) open honest communication is probably the most important thing in a relationship (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) everything else starts with talking with your partner so youre on the same page (8)  
KARKAT: THERE IS NOTHING SEXIER THAN AN HONEST CONVERSATION AND IF ANYONE SAYS DIFFERENTLY THEY CAN FUCK THEMSELVES WITH A RUSTY STATUE OF WHOEVER THE PATRON DEITY OF SHUTTING THE FUCK UP IS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) beautifully worded as always V  
[a moment of silence]  
KARKAT: DOES THAT MEAN WE'RE DONE?  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [i don't know sound]  
KARKAT: WONDERFUL. WE'RE BOTH INCOMPETENT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) well (=) its been a pleasure being incompetent with you (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) even when you tonguefucked the concept of gardening (=)  
KARKAT: I'M GOING TO BRING YOU A CONTAINER PLANT FOR YOUR DISASTER OF AN APARTMENT HIVE. JUST TO WATCH YOU BREAK INTO A RASH AT THE FIRST SIGHT OF A LEAF THAT'S NOT ON A CHEESY FLAVOR CIRCLE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) firstly (=) we are definitely ordering a flavor circle once we wrap this up (o) and if you think im letting you put a singe fucking leaf on it then I will physically strife you (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) secondly (=)(o) i will kill any plant you bring me (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) thats not even a statement of malice (=) ill genuinely mean to take care of it (o) and two days in forget to water it (o) and itll be dead in a wipe (=)  
KARKAT: YEAH WE'LL SEE.  
KARKAT: I THINK WE PICKED TOO HEAVY AND COMPLEX A TOPIC FOR OUR FIRST EPISODE BUT LIKE HELL ARE WE NOT GOING TO USE THAT RECORDING AFTER HOW LONG IT TOOK US TO GET DONE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) avoid death and schoolfeed (=)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) we have no idea what were doing were allowed to overreach (=)  
KARKAT: MAYBE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) anyway (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) for the love of fuck talk to your partners about this kind of shit (o) before it breeds resentment (o)  
KARKAT: BEFORE IT BREEDS WEEDS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) fuck you (o)  
KARKAT: YOU WISH.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) i feel ive been very clear on that point (o) yes (o)  
KARKAT: IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO FLUSTER ME WITH THAT KEEP DREAMING. I CAN'T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING BUT THAT FLAVOR CIRCLE.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) [laughs]  
KARKAT: GET A FLAVOR CIRCLE AND TALK TO YOUR PARTNER WHILE EATING IT.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) quality advice if i ever heard it (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) any closing remarks to send us out in style (o)  
KARKAT: GO FORTH AND FUCK UP LESS.  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) yes perfect (o)  
DRESEE: ---- ( ) go forth and fuck up less (8)  


**Author's Note:**

> I have no one to blame for Dresee's quirk but myself and yet I still asked the text fifty times while editing it in why he's like this. The hope is that this will help propel me to writing the universe this belongs to.
> 
> I'm open to suggestions/requests for the next topic they cover!


End file.
